Need To Think This Over...

Everyone needs a Harley

Hi tumblr.

Just looked back at my livejournal, and realized how much ive missed writing. I always come back on here, swearing that i will keep up with this, but it never happens. Once again i will try.

I wish i could explain my mind, my thoughts and everything inbetween. But it seems like when i try to, it doesnt make sense. sometimes i think there may be something wrong. My dad pointed out today that i analyze people way too much. Now that i think of it, i really do. Its so easy to pick apart little things or flaws, its terrible. Because no one is perfect, and i thought i was able to understand that, i know i certainly am not perfect. I need to stop expecting so much from people, we’re only human.

and time—- can you please stop moving super fast? its really starting to scare me, especially since i’ve been thinking too much about it lately. i feel like im just waking up or sleeping and everything i do within that never happened. I put on different clothes everyday, and expect to just be sleeping sooner or later and doing it all again the next day. I dont always think like this, but lately its really bugging me out.

I just drank my coffee crumbcake coffee and im contemplating on cuddling with my cat Harley right now, hes staring at me, so i think i will, anyways its satisfying to forget everything and just love my cat.

later

Constant Work In Progress

All i need right now_

Happiness. pure and simple happiness. No, i dont Need someone to make me this way, all i need to do is find something in my life that can make me feel content. I try, i really do. But i always seem to think pessimisstc thoughts throughout the process. And then i let the past build up my thoughts as well and its obviously “bad” memories of the past. Those things that keep making you regret, regret, regret. The ones that play over and over in your mind until you begin thinking of ways you could have avoided it or approached it differently. I have learned that if you focus on the past, you continue to stay there, not literally. But, you cant move on, well its hard to. You see i can easily say this, but im the number one victim. I have learned it, but have i continued to remember that? no. Change isnt bad, its healthy.But humans cant always be ready for it, we cant. we need to live with it, we need to go on. Move forward, make everything count, have the memories to smile, have the mistakes to learn lessons from, and have the tears to be proud of. Your making progress, always, always.

“Don’t frown because its over, smile because it happened”

When your all alone in the land of forever, Lay under the milky way…

I never write anymore, but when i look back at everything i’ve written it takes me back, to that memory. Thats why i need to keep writing, i can capture a moment and keep it.

-Ive been thinking an awful lot about the future lately, i cant decide if im scared or excited, i think its a mixture of both. I’m scared becuase i’m going to be parting ways with people ive grown up with my whole life in a year and a half. Even my friends who are graduating this year, they arent leaving forever, theyre taking another step in their lives. I’m just going to miss seeing these friends of mine everyday in the hallway, only a few more months left, and thats it they’re gone from the place they have been for the past four years and moving on to bigger and better things. I just don’t think i can explain how i’ll feel at the graduation this year. That day marks the end of highschool, for them, and some things for myself. I’ll be in those shoes next year, im so focused on getting into the four schools im applying to: The london college of fashion in England, FIDM in California, The art institutes in California and FIT in Nyc. Its funny how i dont want my friends to leave, but i want to get out of here. Its not selfish, i swear, its just id rather be leaving this year, for many reasons. But i just have to let things take there natural course, i have to.

Everything’s changin’ when I turn around..

I’m in Florida now, at my mom’s house until August 13. Hannah left for North Carolina, and i wish she was here. She is truly one of my best friends, and i’m so glad that i’ve met her. Lately, ive been spending time with my mom, its good because i don’t see her for long periods of time, although i’ve been coming down here from month to month or every other month, its nice to get away. i miss new york though, i feel like im missing out on the summer with everyone up there. Although i think constantly about moving here, i dont think i’d be able to. My whole life was created in New York, my friends, memories, dreams, crushes, everything is there. I do want to leave sooner or later, but not yet, i feel like things still need to be done there.

Im starting to think about how exactly i want 2010 to be, i always set out the same goals.. meet someone special, have luck, good times and for things to run smoothly. But i’ve realized all of the bumps in the road, the things that throw me aside, are the things that stick in my memory. The things i remember and the things that shape the future i hold. nothing can be perfect, but if things mend together and seem to be okay, thats fine, thats the way it should be.

what does it take to find the right guy or girl for yourself? STOP LOOKING. thats the wise advice i get from almost everyone. why is it that one guy, who is really special to me tells me how down to earth and chill i am, and how there should be alot more girls like me.. and i cant find anyone else that see’s that? maybe its because some people dont stick around long enough to learn more about me, maybe its because i have alot to offer but dont know how to show it? gee, i wish i could show one special guy the true me.

ALL I SAY is I WISH.. I WISH.. I WISH.. why cant life be like a disney movie, where you wish and all of your dreams come true?

haha oh yeah this is reality.

innocence is key

i miss the days when i was young and innocent. I was always such a goodhearted kid, of course i was obnoxious, annoying and a brat. But i was a little girl who was just being young. I never followed the crowd, i was always a leader, the boss of everything for myself. I always decided what games me and the neighbors would play, playing the mom in the game of house, being the first one to take a risk and so on. but that all changed one day i decided that i didnt like who i was, there was so many other people out there who seemed like they had it all even though they made bad choices. well i was wrong to think that, i made the mistake of turning into someone i couldnt bare to look at in the mirror, becuase i still wasnt satisfied… there was something wrong.

A few years have passed now and it’s shaped the person i am today, for better and for worst. i still wish was as innocent as i always wanted to be, i wish i kept the same morals i had made for myself, i wish i made better choices, i wish i stayed a leader and not a follower.

necessarily, it isnt a negative thing. There are things about me that i would have never been if i hadnt been through what ive gone through. i have learned from everything, and i see what could have happened if i was still associated with some people that are just headed in the wrong directions. they need to learn that drinking on the highschool bleachers and getting wasted every night isnt the answer. look ahead to the future, who you are now could be who you’ll turn out to be forever, you have time to change. just think. of course who am i to talk? yeah i make mistakes and i do some naive things but i have my goals. my dreams and my wishes. i’ll put them in full effect, with being a little smarter and not following the crowd anymore.

I cant quite imagine how i would have felt if i hadn’t done everything i did this past weekend. from thursday being the bamboozle road show, friday being believers never die in philly, and saturday and sunday bamboozle. i had the time of my life. i met amazing people, hungout with great people and loved the atmosphere. sunday’s weather didnt make for a great day but it was enjoyable to an extent.

right now i have these feelings i cant explain. i cant tell if theyre real, in the back of my mind i want to say they are but i cant know for sure yet. i need a nice boy in my life, someone to make me smile, and talk to me, and care for me. just knowing someone will always be there when you turn around is all i need. ive began to realize im perfectly capable of being in a long distance relationship, i cant find anyone right for me in newyork. im up for the challenge. everyone who i see as a perfect figure of someone for me lives in a different state. i have found people who are beautiful on the inside and out who live miles and miles away. i’m willing enough.

so i guess ill have to enjoy the taste of the chase, as i continue waiting for the right person to feel the same